Friday, March 23, 2007

Slop Design: Top Chef's Table

The seventh episode begins with TyraMail from Todd. Wait. OK, so its really just a letter from Todd. But it is cryptic and it does strike the fear of God into the remaining five designers. Andrea fears it might be a surprise or twist. Goil fears it might steal his soul. Mikey wants to burn it. Although any of the above would have been very exciting, it turns out to be an invitation to lunch at Norman’s on the Sunset Plaza. Goil squeals with delight and officially proclaims it…fabulous!

Inside the restaurant, Todd informs the designers that their next challenge will be to design a private chef’s table for a mystery client. No, not Alexis. This mystery client has an eclectic sense of style that includes natural elements, Arts and Crafts and Mid-Century Modern. All the designers’ heads explode. All, except for Andrea who is currently teaching restaurant design at Otis College of Art & Design and vows to win or die trying. The budget is $2,000 for materials, $40,000 PDC dollars and two days in which to finish.

At the PDC, Matt stumbles across two reversible tops. Table tops, that is. Andrea finds a beautiful side table. Goil encounters closed doors. And She Who’s Name We Do Not Speak finds patio chairs. Mikey got all creative and stuff and decided he would go with non-matching chairs.

Back at the cubes, She Who’s Name We Do Not Speak took credit for the invention of straight lines and forged ahead with natural elements which apparently are an affront to her plastic and artificial nature. Matt finds leather "hot" so he decided to tile his floor with it. Goil once again served as the poster boy for Xanax. Andrea created slate walls, while Mikey created some Erik-like serial killer artwork.

The results:
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

And so we move on to The White Room. I should mention at this point that for this episode, the part of Kelly Wearstler, normally played by Kelly Wearstler will be played by Sir. Isaac Newton.

After much ado, Todd finally announces that the mystery client/chef is non-other than Chef Tom Colicchio. She Who’s Name We Do Not Speak shudders with delicious fear. Hon, it’s Tom Colicchio, not Mufasa. Todd also announces that the ever so grand prize this week is a $2,500 gift certificate from Jonathan Adler’s store. I’m sure had Erik been around for this episode, even his trick eyebrow would have been underwhelmed.

Laz: "Thank You, Tom. But you can’t serve as your own guest commentator. It's awfully self-indulgent of you."

Tom: "Screw you, Laz. You photoshopped yourself as Keanu Reeves in the Matrix."

Laz: "Bitch!"

Moving on…

Matt’s room, which was painted to resemble a sunset viewed from a wooded area, was very well-received.

The lack of luxurious material made Tom wonder where Goil spent his money. Especially seeing how much Goil saved on his chandelier.

There was really nothing but praise for Andrea’s extremely well-crafted room.

She Who's Name We Do Not Speak's room was blasted for being "empty" and "a bummer."
Indeed, the room was little more than dark teal paint, enormous banquette and a dining table. Oh, and slip-covered patio chairs.

Michael's room was not considered practical. The rug was compared to something found in an airport and the wall art deemed violent.

The final verdict? Andrea by a land-slide. Matt took second place. Goil was given what sounded like one last chance to use his most fabulous power. Whatever that is.
She Who's Name We Do Not Speak was allowed to stay as well. That could only mean it was Mikey's turn to go. The judges did not care for his three pairs of mis-matched chairs and wished he'd stopped at two.

Immediately following the verdict and with the swell of a full orchestra behind him, Mikey addressed his minions one last time. It was a rousing Andrew Lloyd-Webber arrangement delivered from the balcony of the Bel-Air Hotel. Don't Cry For Me, Minions echoed softly off the hills and the local lighter-waiving minions that had gathered as their leader left with his head held high.

Thank you for the laughs, Mikey! We'll miss you.


The Team of TDB said...

Lmao, two thumbs way up Laz. You rock,


Anonymous said...

Thanks Laz,
You are the best. The minions shed a few tears, but if Michael was comfortable with the judges decision - we were as well. We'll keep watching and will be rooting for Goil.

the minions

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who noticed that Carissa's wall matched her horrible horizontal striped shirt?

yatsu said...

Mmmm, I *bet* Matt finds leather "hot." He can do my floors anytime.

Marlene said...

"Hon, it’s Tom Colicchio, not Mufasa."

Too damn funny!!! Now I'm stuck w/ an image of Carisa as a hyena...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous of 7:21 AM:

I so agree.

I was hoping they would pose Carisa with her striped teal shirt in front of her matching striped teal wall. Was she so lacking in inspiration that she duplicated her shirt? That was bizarre. I'm glad someone else noticed it.

Marius said...

Yes, Tom is all man. Great post! Laz, you put us amateur bloggers to shame.

kbryna said...

Phenomenal post! and oh my effing god - the portrait of Sir Isaac Kelly is GENIUS.

do you just not have a job? insomnia? or amazingly speedy photoshop skills? because where do you find the time to DO all this awesomeness???

i was sorry to see Michael go. I was alarmed by Goil's drooping, wilty chandelier (though i love the IDEA of it). Carisa's room was virtually empty. Matt's room was not my taste at all. I hated the white chairs in Andrea's room, but liked everything else.

didn't see a whole lot of arts & crafts in any of the rooms, though. Michael had a window-y thing (which was good!) that was vaguely lloyd wright in its lines but.....

excellent post as always. i laughed out loud. a lot.

Phaolo said...

Great recap, Laz. You gotta love Kelly for giving us bloggers great "materials" to work with.

John said...

This blog is hil-freakin-arious. Did anyone else see Michael "TMI" Padma on Watch What Happens? That bitch don't back down....

And poor Matt. He's got more sugar in the tank than the Kool-Aid man.