Saturday, March 31, 2007

Slop Design: Hotel California

The episode begins with Matt and Goil catching up on their girl talk discussing (what else?) size and weird things that can be done when size is manageable. Oh sure, one can assume they’re referring to the number of designers left in the competition…but where’s the fun in that?

Andrea reveals to us that she’s secretly super-competitive. She’s grown a bit weary but her fatigue serves as fuel, motivating her to fight harder, take off the gloves and come out swinging.

Cut to the lobby of the Kelly Wearstler-designed, Viceroy Hotel in Santa Monica. Matt just bursts with fruit flavor as he reveals that he has images of the Viceroy that he’s pulled from a magazine hanging in his office. He simply can’t believe that he’s actually there and able to see it in person. He is as giddy as a kid at Disneyland.

Todd goes on to explain that smart interior design has become the key "element" to a guest’s experience. And that nobody understands hotel design better than guest judge, Linda O’Keefe, Design & Architecture Director for Metropolitan Home Magazine. With an intro like that, one can’t help but wonder why the Viceroy didn't just hire her to design their interior.

This week's challenge? To design a luxury hotel suite focused on the needs of today’s traveler. The budget is $30,000 PDC dollars, $3,000 for linens, $1550 for fabric, paint and lumber and three days to execute. As an added twist, each designer must adhere to a theme based on the four natural elements. Cards are drawn. Andrea draws earth, She Who’s Name We Do Not Speak draws air (and lots of it!), Matt draws water, and Goil draws fire. (Insert flamer joke of your choice here.)

Now, we’ve seen Goil play word association games on Watch What Happens and he admits he’s not terribly good at them. But associating fire with disco? If someone yells fire I can guarantee you will not find me doing The Hustle. Matt’s a soggy Scorpio so he’s pleased as punch to have drawn water. Andrea is completely baffled by the fact that she drew earth and in a sublime moment of TMI reveals she is “not crunchy.”

The Results:
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She Who's Name We Do Not Speak's room featured lovely shades of blue on two opposing walls with some Goil-esque "vents" in the center to simulate a continuous flow of air. I must say, this room worked. It was unique, friendly and nicely finished.

Goil focused on the more calm and beautiful aspects of fire such as sunsets, passion and forged metal. Sure, why not? The room featured a horizontal line of fabric-covered boards to simulate a horizon line at sunset. As a room, I rather liked it. As a high-end hotel suite? Eh, not so much. From what we could see, however, nothing was on casters.

Andrea tried to avoid sad and muted tones in her room but somehow it still felt dull and dreary. Her room featured a bench with a patch of grass on one end as opposed to a proper couch which didn't help matters any. Nor did the dried floral artwork on the walls. This was actually my least favorite this week.

Matt's room was based on the concept of clarity. He used a very faint shade of blue paint on the walls, white bedding, and translucent or mirrored furnishings. He added dark lamp shades and a dark throw on the sofa for just a bit of contrast. The only thing that just didn't seem to fit was the beige rug he chose. A dark navy rug would have really made the room pop.

There were really no surprises in the White Room.

Laz: "Thank you, Britney."

Britney: "Shoot, and y'all call me crazy..."

Laz: "That'll do, Brit. That'll do."

As I was saying, other than the usual assaults on the eye, judging in the White Room went as expected. The judges liked SWNWDNS's airy room. Goil's efforts were applauded but the room was critiqued as being too literal and theoretical and not sufficiently luxurious while Andrea's room just wasn't green enough. Matt's room, on the other hand made everyone moist. Matt not only wins the challenge but he'll also be featured in an editorial spread in November's issue of Metropolitan Home. That's a heck of a lot better than $2500's worth of Jonathan Adler merchandise, if you ask me!

This week turned out to be Goil's turn to go home.

Oh, Goil. We've loved you from the start. You are brilliant and innovative and as wonderfully human as the next guy. We hate to see you leave, but know you'll go far!

We'll miss you and think of you fondly every time we see a dog on wheels or chow down on a bowl of noodles!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Endorsement Deal

Not even Dakota Fanning could pull off a giggle like this. What business wouldn't entrust their image to the likes of Todd Oldham?

Saturday, March 24, 2007

When Designers Attack!

See, this is why we do not speak her name!! Let us pray for the safety of Carpenter Carl...

My thanks to those of you who commented on the wall-to-shirt similarity in Slop Design: Top Chef's Table!

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Friday, March 23, 2007

Slop Design: Top Chef's Table

The seventh episode begins with TyraMail from Todd. Wait. OK, so its really just a letter from Todd. But it is cryptic and it does strike the fear of God into the remaining five designers. Andrea fears it might be a surprise or twist. Goil fears it might steal his soul. Mikey wants to burn it. Although any of the above would have been very exciting, it turns out to be an invitation to lunch at Norman’s on the Sunset Plaza. Goil squeals with delight and officially proclaims it…fabulous!

Inside the restaurant, Todd informs the designers that their next challenge will be to design a private chef’s table for a mystery client. No, not Alexis. This mystery client has an eclectic sense of style that includes natural elements, Arts and Crafts and Mid-Century Modern. All the designers’ heads explode. All, except for Andrea who is currently teaching restaurant design at Otis College of Art & Design and vows to win or die trying. The budget is $2,000 for materials, $40,000 PDC dollars and two days in which to finish.

At the PDC, Matt stumbles across two reversible tops. Table tops, that is. Andrea finds a beautiful side table. Goil encounters closed doors. And She Who’s Name We Do Not Speak finds patio chairs. Mikey got all creative and stuff and decided he would go with non-matching chairs.

Back at the cubes, She Who’s Name We Do Not Speak took credit for the invention of straight lines and forged ahead with natural elements which apparently are an affront to her plastic and artificial nature. Matt finds leather "hot" so he decided to tile his floor with it. Goil once again served as the poster boy for Xanax. Andrea created slate walls, while Mikey created some Erik-like serial killer artwork.

The results:
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And so we move on to The White Room. I should mention at this point that for this episode, the part of Kelly Wearstler, normally played by Kelly Wearstler will be played by Sir. Isaac Newton.

After much ado, Todd finally announces that the mystery client/chef is non-other than Chef Tom Colicchio. She Who’s Name We Do Not Speak shudders with delicious fear. Hon, it’s Tom Colicchio, not Mufasa. Todd also announces that the ever so grand prize this week is a $2,500 gift certificate from Jonathan Adler’s store. I’m sure had Erik been around for this episode, even his trick eyebrow would have been underwhelmed.

Laz: "Thank You, Tom. But you can’t serve as your own guest commentator. It's awfully self-indulgent of you."

Tom: "Screw you, Laz. You photoshopped yourself as Keanu Reeves in the Matrix."

Laz: "Bitch!"

Moving on…

Matt’s room, which was painted to resemble a sunset viewed from a wooded area, was very well-received.

The lack of luxurious material made Tom wonder where Goil spent his money. Especially seeing how much Goil saved on his chandelier.

There was really nothing but praise for Andrea’s extremely well-crafted room.

She Who's Name We Do Not Speak's room was blasted for being "empty" and "a bummer."
Indeed, the room was little more than dark teal paint, enormous banquette and a dining table. Oh, and slip-covered patio chairs.

Michael's room was not considered practical. The rug was compared to something found in an airport and the wall art deemed violent.

The final verdict? Andrea by a land-slide. Matt took second place. Goil was given what sounded like one last chance to use his most fabulous power. Whatever that is.
She Who's Name We Do Not Speak was allowed to stay as well. That could only mean it was Mikey's turn to go. The judges did not care for his three pairs of mis-matched chairs and wished he'd stopped at two.

Immediately following the verdict and with the swell of a full orchestra behind him, Mikey addressed his minions one last time. It was a rousing Andrew Lloyd-Webber arrangement delivered from the balcony of the Bel-Air Hotel. Don't Cry For Me, Minions echoed softly off the hills and the local lighter-waiving minions that had gathered as their leader left with his head held high.

Thank you for the laughs, Mikey! We'll miss you.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Where In The World Is Matt Lorenz?

Let's give it up (as it were) for our boy, Matt! Not only did he live to design another day but he finally took it...the win, that is.

This week Matt will have a whole extra hour in which to squeeze out his concept for guest judge, Chef Tom (Papa Bear) Colicchio himself. And if you've seen the previews, it looks as though Matt's gonna be sweating and pounding on his faux leather floor for every second of that hour!

So, where exactly is Matt Lorenz?


Craning his neck and gawking about in Dwangthawee Plaza as he takes in all that Bangkok, Thailand has to offer. Go slow, Matt. Take your time. Maybe have a Heineken at Balls, the Sports Bar. Perhaps a frothy latte at Dick's Café.

We'll be here when you get back...

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Slop Design: Par-tay of Six

Six designers remain; Goil, She Who's Name We Do Not Speak (or SWNWDNS, for short), Erik, Matt, Andrea, and sweet, innocent Mikey "I will totally burn your house down" Adams.Like gays to Sunday Brunch, the remaining six designers converged upon the PDC. There, they were informed by Todd that their next challenge would be to design a party for Bacardí Limón. They drew paint-chips and broke off in two teams of three. One team consisted of Goil, Erik and Andrea while SWNWDNS, Matt and Mikey comprised the other. SWNWDNS was not pleased and immediately complained about Michael being really difficult to work with, "No matter what you do he's going to complain very loudly about something." Ain't that the pot calling the kettle a bitch...

Michael and Andrea went off to Town & Country Party rentals, Erik and SWNWDNS shopped for fabric at Pindler & Pindler, while Matt and Goil sampled menu selections at Wolfgang Puck. The following morning, Andrea and Michael arose before dawn and hit the Flower Market. Mikey wasted no time in diving in.

The end results could not have been more different. Andrea, Erik and Goil produced a room that may have served its function but really wasn't terribly pleasing to the eye. Their concepts were too abstract to execute well in the time allotted and with the $8500 budget. What started out as a giant chandelier of Bacardí Limón bottles ended as tall shelves with exposed light bulbs in the center. De-constructed chandelier, my ass. It just looked like a construction site.

In spite of constant bickering, Matt, Michael and SWNWDNS produced a room that was elegant, exclusive and functional.

In the White Room, all eyes were once again on Kelly's train wreck of an outfit. And what a train it was. With a giant pink fleurchon just above the knee and enough fabric to serve as a low-tech Rumba, it was an outfit that only an artsy-crafty macaroni gluer could truly appreciate.Thank you, Angela.

Meanwhile, in the Stew Room Goil went all Jan Brady on us and broke down. Frustrated by having been repeatedly ignored by Andrea and Erik he sought comfort wherever he could find it.The judges were not impressed with Andrea, Erik and Goil's room. Andrea got burned for selecting "furry" flowers. Erik boldly took credit for the bulk of the conceptual design as well as for "the big wall". Unfortunately, neither were well-received.

In spite of shirt cuffs that flared into the middle of next week, Erik manned-up and took responsibility for his team. At one point it seemed as though it could very easily have been Andrea's turn to go but alas, 'twas little Erik and his trick eyebrow who were sent packing.

Laz remains despondent to this day requiring hourly doses of Little Debbies and techno-music.

Best of luck, Erik. You will be missed (sniffle)...

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Slop Design - The 60min Acadia Commercial

So we're down to the final seven designers; Goil, Matt, The Anti-Christ, Michael, She Who's Name We Do Not Speak, Andrea, and little the beaver.

This week the designers met one of LA's many impoverished families. These poor souls have been forced to exist without suitable garage facilities for far too long. They've had to make due without a home office, theatre stage, and vehicle housing. Their poor dog, Mac, has even had to endure the hardships of sleeping on the floor. But by golly, that's all about to change.

The Bell's have miraculously acquired no less than a brand new, 2007 GMC Acadia. The Acadia tops Car And Driver Magazine's list of needy, attention-hungry SUVs. The designers must not only transform the Bell's garage into a cozy alcove for this attention-whore of an SUV, they must also accommodate each and every capricious whim the family can dream of. In short, the new garage must contain office space, dog bed, ample storage, and a stage with costume storage for the kids to put on plays. Seems reasonable enough.

In keeping with Bravo's fine commitment to real-life scenarios, the designers were allotted two-hours in which to construct a 3D model and three minutes in which to pitch it to the family. In the end, Andrea's superb architectural background allowed her to produce a truly outstanding model; simple yet practical but with that extra je ne sais quoi.

Andrea wasted no time in delegating responsibilities. Goil was to construct a dog bed which naturally ended up on wheels, Michael and Erik were in charge of fabrics, Ryan would handle artistic flair, She Who's Name We Do Not Speak was in charge of office space while Matt organized. The team now had the enviable task of transforming this into a camera-ready, showroom garage.

The team worked hard but as always, they did their best to infuse some much-needed levity into their arduous work.
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The Bell family was blown away by the finished product but someone still had to go. It came down to Ryan for not painting whimsical tire tracks on the walls and ceiling, She Who's Name We Do Not Speak for supposedly slacking off in the adjacent shack-turned-office and Michael for loving the color purple more than Oprah Winfrey and Whoopi Goldberg combined.
In the end, Ryan had to pack-up his skateboard and go home. Sorry, Ry. Guess you're just too artistic and socio-political (read belligerent) for the judges.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Where In The World Is Matt Lorenz - Part Deux

This week our intrepid travelling hero endured hardships no one as fabulous as he should have to so much as dream of. From nearly losing a finger constructing a model in two hours to organizing mountains of stuffed animals drenched in squirrel urine. Why, who could blame Matt for wanting to get away from it all? And he couldn't have picked a better spot.

So, where in the world is Matt Lorenz?


Preparing to bask in the warm Mediterranean sun at Elia Beach on the beautiful and ever-so-masculine Island of Mykonos, Greece. It appears as though Matt may be a bit overdressed and may have even forgotten to bring a bathing suit. Fortunately for Matt, that won't be a problem. In fact, when locals think of Elia Beach, bathing suits are often the last thing on their minds.

Yassou, Matt! Enjoy the sun and sights! You've earned it!

Monday, March 05, 2007

When Designers Attack!

Why, yes. I would like some fresh material...

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Coming Soon...

Tim Gunn declared, "Andrea made it work!"

Michael Adams raved, "I shrieked like a little girl...and I'm gay."

Matt Lorenz proclaimed, "My WIFE and DAUGHTER loved it."

Elia Aboumrad said, "Eets great, ay deedn't actually SEE eet, but eet's great."

The Grudge 3. Coming soon to a theatre near you...